Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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