I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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