What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
