I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
