I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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