Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
