She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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