I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
