When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Randomize
