At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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