They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
