just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
