I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
