I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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