i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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