So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
