OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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