break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
