Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My vagina is very pro this idea
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
