You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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