he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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