I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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