He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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