So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
