It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Randomize
