you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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