**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
