What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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