I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
