my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
