you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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