You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
