My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
