Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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