We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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