I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
