There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
