i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
