Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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