Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
