Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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