bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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