is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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