4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Drunk is not a location!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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