I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
