I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
