he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
