I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
