Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
