He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
