It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
