I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
