I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
