why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
