Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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