i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
