my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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