I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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